A British tradition we really don't need.

For all of my whining about the Capital, I am eternally grateful to be Australian. My patriotism peaks yearly on Australia Day, especially when I think about how lucky I am to live in a country where we enjoy a government-funded nation-building music event (the Triple J Hottest 100). For all of our culturally ingrained suspicion of government, I am proud of our peaceful, balanced and secular political system. By international standards, we live in rather hospitable climactic conditions. We enjoy a high standard of living. Our distribution of wealth is fairly even.

So much to love. And yet, it’s in matters of ‘love’ that Australians seem to suck dirt the most. I travelled in South America recently and really enjoyed noticing the radical difference between their dating ‘game’ and the lack of it we inherited from the British.

I find here in Australia, that nobody actually asks each other out, or admits to being interested. To do so is seen as a huge risk to one’s self-esteem and we avoid it with vagaries and awkward disorganised interactions. Basicly, people:
1) meet at work or through friends,
2) circle each other awkwardly, agonising over whether feelings are mutual,
3) get drunk and snog,
4) get drunk and snog a few more times until a consistent pattern of interaction is formed and you can start tentatively calling it a relationship,
5) one person drops the ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’ title and….bam, you meet the parents.

The big difference between the Australian approach and the South American approach is that Australians take rejection very seriously, ruminate excessively on the possibility and miss so many opportunities avoiding it. Whereas South Americans don’t seem to mind. It’s just part of the game, a fact of life and not to be taken personally.

Australians automatically presume rejection is about them, an injury to their self-esteem. Fair enough. However, people can decline your company for all kinds of reasons – they’re busy, they’re pursuing someone else, they just want to remain single…anything. It doesn’t have to be about their assessment of the ask-er. South Americans, it seems, don’t sustain such a strong connection between self-worth and your acceptance/rejection. And they ask you out directly, no overtures or games. They seem to have faith that what’s meant for them won’t pass them by. I found their directness so refreshing, and their gutsiness endearing. How could I say no?

But when I did say no, I learned that one has to be equally direct. Because I also come from the Australian tradition, I always feel like I have to let ask-ers down gently and avoid injuring people’s self-esteem. It’s customary to make an ‘it’s me, not you’ or ‘too busy’ explanation in our fair country. But blathering excuses while smiling kindly seems to simply confuse South Americans and they press on, until you’re forced into an undecorated ‘Si’ or ‘No’. I endured some truly awkward exchanges before I figured this out. It pained me to be so forthright. But afterwards, the conversation continues uninterrupted. No awkward exits or offense taken. And then they just ask again later. Or ask your friend.

As I’ve mentioned before, Canberra is not equipped with the population for dating experiments. But a male friend in the city pledged to experiment with the South American approach back in Australia and commit to just asking girls out directly. Without investing any sense of self-worth in their response. Without face-saving ‘just as friends’ facades or general aloofness. Without diluting romantic candidness by relying on group social events for contact with someone you wish you had the guts to ask out. From his interim results, it seems I’m not the only woman who approves!

Come on Australia – let’s be good sports, ditch this boring cultural inheritance from the British, embrace the traditions of our Southern Hemisphere amigos and get some game-face on.