Fixing loneliness?

After ending a cohabiting relationship early this year, I’ve been surprised to discover that I am far more introverted than I ever realised. I’ve become deeply attached to my solitude, my space. I can’t fathom the idea of sharing a bedroom again and dream of having a little apartment all to myself.

Having said that, humans are clan animals. We all crave company, witnesses to our lives and stimulating conversation. The health-protective benefits of social connection are as notable as the health-diminishing effects of loneliness. I tend to imagine that how we conceive of our ‘selves’ is highly referential – we need to have ‘others’ in order to distinguish our ‘selves’ from all the other objects and subjects in the material world.

I digress a little here, but assuming this idea has any credibility I’d say that is why I never realised how introverted I was because compared to my ‘significant other’ I was the more outgoing one.

Having moved between cities very often in early adulthood (I am 26), I have very few true friends and experience a considerable level of loneliness. However, having so much time to myself to think about it, I’ve decided that loneliness is not something that needs to be fixed, corrected or avoided. Nor do I think it only happens to single people, or those whose lives are poorly equipped with people – like me. Rather, I think it’s an inevitable part of the human condition that everyone has, whether they are single, married, living alone or living in tribes.

I have this idea that we are wired to feel loneliness as a natural part of the human psyche. Further, we are wired to dislike it, experience it as painful and be motivated to fix or avoid it. After all, it encourages us to clan together. In evolutionary terms, would the human race have made it to today if we didn’t have this unpleasant emotional motivator to encourage us to do this? After all, family, partnering and friendship relationships tend to deliver their own dose of painful experiences we might otherwise choose to avoid!

As I mentioned, I have a lot of time to myself and a lot of loneliness. At first I tried to ‘fix’ it, keeping company I didn’t really enjoy and doing activities I wasn’t into just to be around people. Or even less effective distractions like drinking alcohol, or eating rubbish. I found that merely being around people didn’t relieve the pain anyway. It takes feeling truly known and understood to do that and even that relief would be impermanent, if my ‘inevitable evolutionary loneliness’ idea is correct.

Nor do I think that partnering is a ticket to permanently avoiding this seemingly natural state of loneliness. Despite the increase in solitude, I am sure I felt lonelier in an unhappy relationship than I do now. In fact, I think loneliness coupled with the glaring presence of a person only amplifies it!

I’m now finding it far more satisfying to accept loneliness is a part of my life, and a natural part of being human. It can be a real test of resilience to live by this idea, especially because the human mind seems wired to make the opposite ideas. And now when I do enjoy company, it’s because I genuinely connect with someone, not because I’m scrambling to relieve an unavoidable pain.

Make sense? Let me know what you think.